I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
