I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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