It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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