She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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