so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
