Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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