if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
