I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
