remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
