I haven't been this sober since birth.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
