3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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