I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
