im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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