Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
