I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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