Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
