I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize