A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Oh god it's open bar.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
