We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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