My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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