stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize