I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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