Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
your thong is hanging out like whoa
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize