Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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