You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i love accidental penises.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
