I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
