I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
