So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
