Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
