Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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