Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
