I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
