We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
