I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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