I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I didn't notice because vodka
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
