Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
