I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Randomize
