If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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