Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
