I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
