How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's Friday. Sex?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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