we have officially lost it.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
