First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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