I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
