We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
