im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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