I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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