At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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