So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize