We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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