Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
