it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
