Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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