Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
