That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
