walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
